


“Accomplished”

by Windfall13



Series: So, about Lance... [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Dark, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Gen, Graphic Description, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Whump, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Mental Health Issues, Pill swallowing, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, references to verbal abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-01 02:20:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18326708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfall13/pseuds/Windfall13
Summary: Lance had accomplished many things in his life, but this one would take the cake.Trigger Warning: THIS IS VERY VERY TRIGGERING(because of description of suicide) AND GRAPHIC! THIS REALLY ISN’T FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!(pls read the tag)





	1. “Goodbye, Team”

**Author's Note:**

> Setting: Early Season 7

Lance’s eyes glanced over his team. They all chatted and laughed amongst themselves, not acknowledging the depressed boy in any way. But Lance knew why. Every time he spoke, everybody complained; every time he smiled, everyone else frowned; every time he fucked up, he was on the spot. No one cared when he cried over Shiro or when he cried because he missed his family, and no one gave a single shit about him when he replaced Keith in the red lion. Even Hunk had abandoned him, setting him aside for Pidge. Lance couldn’t blame him though: They were smarter, funnier, and they both made the official team Punk. Lance didn’t want to mess up their connection with his problems. But after today, no one had to worry about him. Because this was his last day being alive. 

Finally, he took a deep breath and stood up, “Guys...I need to tell you all something…”

Everyone’s conversations died down as they all turned to him. Lance almost laughed. It felt nice to actually not be ignored for once. But instead, he went on, “I just wanted to thank you guys for all the adventures we had before we go home. You guys were the greatest friends I could ask for. I love you guys.”

Lance held in a sigh. He swore he would tell the truth. He swore that he’d point out how they ignored him, how they’d push him around and how they only acknowledged him when they done something wrong just like how his father did. But he just wasn’t that type of person. Maybe it was because his dad raised him to be scared of assertion, but Lance just couldn’t let his final words be the most hurtful ones to his own “friends”. In the end, he decided to die as a pitiable push over.

“Hey, come on man.” Hunk chuckled, “We’ll still see each other after this.” 

Pidge shrugged, “Yeah. We’ll visit whenever we want.”

Romella added, “There’s no need to be so down, Lance!”

Krolia then said, “Even so, thank you, Lance.”

“You were a great paladin.” Keith shuffled awkwardly, hoping he said the right thing. Shiro smiled, “And a good friend.”

Allura sighed, “Although you were annoying at times, you were an amazing soldier and friend.”

Coran gave him a small smile as well, “You were like the son I never had, Lance. Do take care of yourself after this.”

Lance wanted to cry. He wanted to tell them what he was going to do. He wanted to be in their arms and be told that it was all going to be okay. Was he really about to do this? Those were the nicest words he heard in his entire life. He almost didn’t want to commit... _ almost.  _ In the end, those words were probably lies. They just wanted to be nice. They’d just revert back to ignoring him as usual. Besides, he didn’t want to live like this anymore. He didn’t want to live like a punching bag, to be yelled at and ignored by everyone he met. Lance left his untouched food on the ground, “Thank you, guys. I think I’m gonna go to bed right now. We gotta be bright and early to keep this up, right?”

Everyone hummed in agreement and said their good nights to him. When Lance turned his back and made his way to his lion, his eyes filled with tears. This was it. This was his final hour, his final minutes. After this, Lance would be no more. He’d never experience life after the war. He’d never experience his home world again. He’d never see his family again. The thought made his stomach churn and his head spin. His body quivered with anticipation and anxiety. Was he  _ really _ going to do this? Maybe he was just overthinking things? Maybe things would be okay tomorrow. But the darker thoughts in his head overrode the logic side of his brain. He didn’t want to keep fighting this anymore. 

Slowly, Red opened her mouth to let Lance in. He sucked in a shaky breath, “Th-Thanks, Red.”

Red complied so easily because she knew wouldn’t be able to change the mind of the red paladin. She tried reasoning with him, she tried to reassure him that everything was going to be okay and she even tried reverse psychology. But Lance wouldn’t budge. She had given up after a while. It was cruel to let Lance keep suffering, to make him keep fighting a losing battle. Her own mind was weak as well. Her usual vigor and courage was ruled over by Lance’s depression in his mind. It wasn’t that she was letting Lance die for her own benefit, but, call her a pussy, she just didn’t want to watch Lance plaster on a smile every day and cry himself to sleep every night. Red just wanted her paladin to be at peace for once. Lance deserved that much. 

A hand landed on his shoulder. Startled, Lance whipped around and saw Hunk standing there, concern written on his face. The Samoan asked, “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Lance’s expression was filled with fake confusion, “Why?”

“What you did back there was pretty weird. We don’t arrive on Earth until tomorrow evening in Earth time.”

Lance gave him a reassuring smile, despite what he was going to do, “I’m okay. I’m...I’m just going to miss...us, you know?”

Hunk was still skeptical, “Okay. But you know you can tell me anything, right?”

That right there was what made Lance get mildly pissed off. He’s been told that by his dad many times before and that statement was a fucking lie. Why did Hunk even care? He certainly didn’t when Lance was sulking over Allura and he sure didn’t when Lance was feeling extremely homesick. But, again, Lance didn’t want to just let his final memories be in vain. He didn’t want to leave any one feeling  _ too _ guilty. 

“Yeah, I know.” Was all Lance said before he made his way into his lion, leaving Hunk to ponder over what had just happened. When Red closed her mouth, Lance collapsed into a sobbing mess. He curled into a ball on the floor and cried. Loudly. His head was still spinning and the butterflies in his gut multiplied. He was scared, angry and just felt like utter, complete shit. Even after his breakdown had diminished to a stop, he laid on the floor for some time, staring at the ceiling of his lion. He felt numb. He didn’t feel anything anymore. Life was pointless.  _ He _ felt pointless. He wondered why he was stalling. It wouldn’t make a difference when he did it. He’d still die in the end. 

_ Die.  _ For once, the thought of suicide didn’t scare Lance in anymore. Suicide just felt like another thing he should do, another chore to be done. The numbness was good. That way, he wouldn’t pussy out at the last moment. On unsteady legs, he got up and looked outside his lion. The fire was out, and there was no one to be seen. He then searched for his Altean sleeping pills. Coran lent them to him after Lance made a dramatic deal about how he couldn’t sleep. The pills still helped, though. He used to be out like a light after just one pill. They’d do the job perfectly. 

After he found the pills, he searched for his makeshift knife. He figured he didn’t want to be selfish and use his bayard because: 1. He’d probably be dishonoring Blaytz, 2. He didn’t want the paladins to find his body and 3. The paladins still needed the bayard. Lance certainly didn’t want to do it in Red too. Again, he didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want to make his friends clean up his mess again. Finally, Lance found his makeshift knife. It was created from the wood of the trees on the planet and a piece of metal he found. It was tied together with a skinny vine and the metal took days to sharpen. The hard work was worth it, though. He stripped out of his armor and put on his Earth clothes. Again, the paladins will probably need the armor for the next paladin.

Shoving his tools in his pockets, Lance kept down his emotions as he walked out of his lion. Red let him back outside with no hesitation. As Lance looked back to Red, he placed a hand on her paw, “Good bye, Red.”

There was no answer. Lance was okay with it, though. He figured Red wasn’t good with goodbyes. So he was off back into the forest again. He took a long stroll deep into the forest. He was in no rush. His friends were sleeping, after all. By the time they’d wake up, he’d be long dead. He didn’t know how long he was walking for but he didn’t really care. The farther the better. Finally, he spotted a “waterfall” and he settled in front of the pool. He took off his shoes and put his feet in without questioning if it was safe. He kicked his feet and the liquid splashed a bit, but he didn’t feel a single smile on his face. 

This was it. His true final moments. As a kid, he always thought he’d from old age like his Abuela or from being a badass war hero, although his dad would say he’d die alone from stupidity. His dad wasn’t wrong though. He was going to die alone from the instability of his mind. But what could he do? Continuing would be painful. Being alive right now was painful for him. After a while, he finally gathered up his courage and pulled out his pills and knife. Opening the bottle, he poured its contents into his hand. The colorless pills formed a pile on his hand. He tilted his head up and his hand poured the countless amounts of sleeping pills into his mouth. A few managed to slip down his throat. 

Lance immediately went for the liquid in the pool. He slurped it up, making sure no pills slipped through his mouth. After he finally swallowed all the pills, his heart nearly stopped when he heard the call of his name. 

“Lance!”

He started to panic. They would find him out. Oh god what was he going to do? The sleeping pills would take a while and by the time he passed out from the overdose, he’d most likely be on his way back to the base. But then, with deep breaths, he reasoned with himself. The voice was miles away. The sound of the falls would’ve drowned it out if he wouldn’t so hypervigilant. Besides, he still had time to finish the job. By the time they’d get his position, he’d be dead by blood loss. If that didn’t kill him, then hopefully the overdose would. So he continued with his task like nothing happened. 

He took off his jacket and picked up the knife. He held it over his exposed wrist. It was going to be fucking painful, Lance thought. Would it matter if he screamed out in pain? It would if Red wasn’t a snitch. Knowing her, she probably woke up the others at the last moment and sent them to go after him. They all probably knew where he was, but it was going to take a while for them to get to where he was. So, no, it wouldn’t matter. Lance’s breathing started to get choppy as he cursed himself for stalling. Why was he thinking about his screaming when he’d be dead anyway?

He sucked in a breath and plunged the knife deep into his wrist. Lance choked on his scream, dragged the knife down his arm, and fought the urge to take the knife out. Blood spurted in fountains and his once brown arm was a red bloody mess. He let out a screech of agony as he reached his elbow. He pulled out the knife and studied the damage he had done. It was deep. Lance knew he wouldn’t survive from the look from the amount of blood pouring out of his arm. The cut turned shallower as it reached his elbow. Lance’s vision started to get blurry and spotted. He noticed that the calls for his name were more frequent and closer. Lance huffed. He still had the other arm.

Without hesitation, he picked up his knife again and stabbed it into his right arm. This time, though, he nearly missed his vein because he was using his less dominant hand and his vision wasn’t focused. He didn’t even try to keep in his screams. In fact, he didn’t even know if he was screaming at all. The knife was half way to his elbow when he couldn’t find the strength to finish his task. He tried to forcefully yank the knife down his arm before the knife slipped out of his bloodied arm and messy grip. Immediately after, Lance fell onto his side. 

His mind was in a stir. He felt regret, loneliness, but more importantly, pain. His wrists screamed at him with a fiery burn that almost felt good to Lance. He let them burn, because he couldn’t move. His vision started to get darker and more blurry, his hearing dulled to a ring. His ragged breathing rapidly tried to keep him alive as his heart raced to save the blood it was losing. Tiredly, Lance closed his eyes and tried to focus on other things. He thought about his family: His mom, the strong one; Veronica, the serious one; Marco, the quiet one and Luis, the smart. He then thought about his own team and how they were a lot like his family.

He felt himself get turned, to his surprise, and he’s was staring up at something. Muffled shouts could be heard through the ringing and his arms are being held. More burning pain shocked his system alive again and he was screaming at nothing. He tried to move his arm away but he couldn’t move. He was too weak. His fingers twitched a little as something tight hugged his arms. 

The burning slowly subsided and he suddenly felt cold. His entire body was cold. Lance wished he kept his jacket on, but at least it was better than the burning pain. In fact, he couldn’t feel his body at all. He only felt the cold. The sound of his death paced heartbeat and shallow, slow breathing started to take over the ringing. It finally hit him. He was dying, and that fact made Lance feel scared.

But as a cold, painless darkness washed over him, he felt accomplished. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats on making it to the end of this horribly graphic angst. I was more focused on word choice and describing things and I tried to work with the rich text. Comment below how the formatting is. :,)
> 
> Also, I’d like to add this note. A couple months ago, I was in Lance’s shoes so these things might hit close to home because these are basically describing my pov. The only difference is I backed down at the last moment whereas Lance just went ahead. But it doesn’t matter if you do the former or the latter. You survived until now and that’s all that matters. I can’t stop you from thinking those thoughts, but I can only say please don’t do it. Attempting doesn’t make you any less of a person but you WILL have regrets. My door is always open if you need anyone to talk to, there’s a lot of coping skills and I know it won’t be easy but I can promise you things WILL get better. It may take days, or months, or maybe even years just to feel happy once in while but trust me when I say this: it’ll be worth it.
> 
> Anyway, back to the lighter stuff: The end of the series is coming close! There will be one more chapter to this one and “Mind Your Own Fucking Business, Pidge!” before the finale is finally posted. It’s currently in the works! 
> 
> Anyway, I hoped you demons enjoyed and ✌️!


	2. “He’ll Be Okay”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is saved. But it won’t be easier for his mind.

A loud roar was what woke the remaining people up at the camp. Hunk rubbed his eyes as he sat up, “What the?”

Hunk walked out of his lion to find the paladins, Krolia and Romelle gathered at the old camp fire.    
“Did you guys hear that?” Keith asked. Pidge fixed the glasses on their face as they yawned in the middle of their sentence, “Why did the red lion wake us up?”

“Um, where’s Lance?” Allura asked. Keith sighed, “Is he seriously playing a prank or something this late? I swear I’m gonna kill him.”

Hunk looked around anxiously. Something didn’t feel right. Shiro offered, “I’ll go check red.”

“I’ll go too.” Hunk said before he scurried off with Shiro. Red opened her mouth again, a little quicker than normal. Hunk stopped in his tracks, “Red never opened her mouth this fast.”

“It’s probably fine, Hunk.” Said man looked to the ex black paladin, but even Shiro was looking a little nervous. The two men went inside the lion and searched for Lance. 

“Lance?” Hunk called out. No answer. Shiro’s breathing hitched, “Are you here?”

“Ha ha, not funny. Please come out.” Hunk whimpered. Upon looking at his bed, Hunk noticed something was missing from the side of the bed. Lance’s sleeping pills. Lance always left his sleeping pills on the side so he wouldn’t forget them, but they were missing. Hunk pointed it out, “Shiro. The sleeping pills are missing.”

“Yeah?”

“They’re normally always there.”

“Maybe Lance lost them somehow and he’s looking for them?”

“No. They were still here when I came to check on him after the forest expedition.”

Shiro stayed silent. The men looked around the room some more before Hunk pointed out something else, “He was making a knife for some reason.”

“Yeah. He’s been doing that to pass the time.”

“So where is it?”

Shiro looked horrified before he swallowed, “Maybe he’s just taking it with him?”

“Guys! We need to go now!” The two men heard Keith yelling from outside. Hunk and Shiro ran out as fast as they could. Shiro asked, “Galra?”

“No. It’s worse.” Keith’s face looked pale as his chest rapidly rose and fell, “Red told me what happened to Lance. I think he’s going to...oh god, he’s-”

“Fucking say it!” Hunk shouted, startling everyone. 

“HE’S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF!”

That’s when it all began. The heart pounding race to find Lance before death found him. Allura ordered Krolia, Romelle, Coran and Shiro, “You four get the medical supplies ready.”

They all nodded solemnly before they went to carry out their task. The paladins and Blade ran straight into the forest. They called out for Lance liked he was a lost dog.

“Lance!” Pidge called out.

“Lance, where are you?!” A frantic question from Allura.

“Whatever you’re doing, don’t do it!” A plea from Hunk.

“Lance Mcclain, don’t you fucking dare!” A threat from Keith.

“Lance!” Pidge called out again, hoping to get an answer. Keith occasionally gave directions in between the yelling:

“Red says go down this path.”

“Turn right!” 

Hunk became more nervous when Keith said nothing at all, “What’s she saying?”

“I don’t know! I keep losing her connection! Give me a second!”

“We don’t have seconds, Keith!”

“The falls we passed by earlier! Red says we’re close.”

Relief flooded his system when Hunk saw the top of the falls. He didn’t wait for anyone else as he tore through the trees. When he finally reached the foot of the falls, he saw something that shocked his system cold: His best friend, lying dead on the ground. Hunk whispered, “Oh god no.”

Hunk wanted to cry as he went to Lance’s body. He almost laughed when he felt Lance’s body. It was still warm, but the pulse was deathly slow. Hunk dragged Lance into his arms. Lance’s face was dazed. His eye lids blinked open as dead eyes stared up at the three moons in the sky. His face was pale, yet his mouth held a smile. Hunk wanted to smack him for smiling while he was dying. 

“Oh dear god.” Pidge whispered from behind. Keith just stared at the red paladin. Allura covered her mouth, “Why would he…?”

“He’s alive, that’s what matters.” Hunk said before he realized something. Here Lance was, his arms split open, and Hunk had no medical supplies with him. What a best friend he was.

“Move.” Shiro said, moving right past the shocked paladins. Hunk sobbed in relief as he didn’t hesitate to grab the bandages and went to work on Lance’s arms. He didn’t want to put Lance back onto the bloodied ground, but there wasn’t any time, because any more mistakes and...Hunk tightly wound the cast around Lance’s arm. To his dismay, Lance started to scream in pain. Hunk couldn’t imagine what Lance was going through. But despite the need to stop for Lance’s sake, the need for Lance to live overrode it all and Hunk continued to wrap the bandages tightly around each arm. Hunk was pretty sure Lance was out by the time he wrapped the bloody arms. Hunk sighed in relief when he was finally done. He was sure the bleeding would stop soon. Still, they had to stitch him up back at camp, but Lance would be fine. 

“Lance is fine. He’s going to live.” Hunk said with triumph. The tension in the air was released, but only by a little. Hunk felt like he was forgetting something. Hunk said, “We need to carry him.”

“Allura and I will do it.” Keith said. As they picked up the skinny boy, Hunk added, “Be careful with him.”

The ex red paladin was faster than the others. As he carried the limp Cuban, Hunk noticed a white bottle on the floor. Curious, he picked it up. Upon reading the label, he gasped. Everyone stopped in their tracks and turned back to Hunk. 

“Guys, Lance swallowed a lot of sleeping pills. We need to leave NOW!” Hunk demanded. Everyone was running again, their racing hearts hoping that their friend would live. Hunk had regrets. If only he was there for Lance. If only he didn’t treat Lance like a third wheel. No, like a seventh wheel. But it was too late. Only god knows if Lance will even live now. Did he really hate living so much that he did all this? Normally a person would just resort to drowning in the falls, or throwing themself off a cliff. Lance really wanted the pain, didn’t he?

Hunk almost slipped upon thinking about that. Pidge reassured him, “We’re almost there, don’t worry!”

It was funny how Pidge was the one who was reassuring him, despite the fact they were still very young. Hunk secretly wondered how everyone else was taking it. Shiro said he had a friend who commited suicide, so although he had some experience, he could be taking it a lot worse than everyone else. Keith probably felt guilty for leaving. Pidge would probably cry their eyes out once they knew Lance was okay. Allura might never be the same again; she’ll take this to heart and she’ll compare herself to her father, as usual, by thinking that her father would’ve never let this happen.

Thankfully, the camp site’s fiery light alerted them all that they were close and that Lance actually had a chance. Everyone’s adrenaline was running out, especially for the one Altean, but they all knew their job wasn’t over yet. Hunk looked to Coran, who had all the necessary medical supplies, “H-He cut his wrists and swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills.”

Hunk’s eyes darted away from Coran’s when the older Altean’s face turned into one of guilt. Hunk almost forgot. Coran gave the sleeping pills. He must be feeling like shit by now. But there was no time for Coran as he clearly ignored the guilt, “Set him down. Keith, elevate his arms.”

Reluctantly, Keith set the pale boy down and did as the orange haired man said. Coran checked for Lance’s pulse. Without hesitation, he put his lips on Lance’s and blew, “He’s not breathing We’re going to have to give him human cpr. Krolia, hand me the portable gastro-pump and get me the beat monitor, needle and synthetic thread while you’re at it. When he’s breathing, we’re going to have get right to it if we want to save this boy.”

“What?!” Hunk screamed as he stormed to his best friend. Allura and Pidge pushed against the larger man’s body as he panicked, “What’s happening?! What are you doing to him?!”

“Saving his life, Number 2.”

“Let me see him!”

“It’s too unsafe, Number 2! Restrain him! He’s going to mess up this operation!”

Hunk couldn’t care less. His friend was dying and he couldn’t do anything. He just wanted to see Lance. He just wanted Lance to be okay again.

“Be reasonable, Hunk!” Pidge shouted, “You’re just going to make things worse!”

Hunk stopped struggling. They were right. He did all that he could. His tired legs gave out and his fell onto his knees. Pidge and Allura each gave him hugs and reassurances. But as Hunk stared into the fire, his mind plagued him with guilt,

_ ‘Why do I still feel guilty?’ _

——————————————————————

When Lance came to, the first thought in mind his mind was  _ ‘fuck’. _ He had failed. He really thought he would be successful, especially with the pills. Maybe he should’ve walked farther? Maybe he should’ve saved more pills?  **Maybe he should’ve cut deeper?** Regardless, it was too late now. He couldn’t exactly try again because he would most likely be put on a suicide watch. 

Pain settled into his arms and he winced. Yeah, he really regretted it. Well, he didn’t regret trying, but about the fact that he lived. He felt drowsy, his head throbbed and his throat itchy. Lance held his head in his hands as he groaned in pain. He felt himself get nudged. His tired eyes crept towards his old best friend. Hunk looked worried, “Hey, are you okay?”

“I tried to kill myself. How do you think I feel?” Lance joked sourly. Hunk winced before looking away. Lance sighed deeply before he started to smell something good. His stomach churned in hunger as he demanded, “I’m hungry.”

Hunk gave a fake laugh, “Yeah, I heard that. I brought you some chicken soup. It’ll probably help with your throat.” 

Lance took the bowl without saying anything else and swallowed his soup by the mouthful. Hunk didn’t say anything, not wanting to anger Lance in any way. When he was done, Lance wiped away his drool, “Where are we?”

“The same planet we landed on. We haven’t move at all.”

“How many days has it been?”

“One and a half, I guess.”

Lance stared at his casts,  _ ‘Nice going. Not only could you not kill yourself right but you held back the team.’ _

“Hey man. If I did anything, I’m sorry.” Hunk said.

_ ‘You’re practically useless.’ _

“I should’ve been there for you.”

_ ‘No one cares.’’ _

Lance gave his friend a half assed smile, “It’s fine. It was my choice.”

Hunk then hugged Lance tightly again, “I almost lost you. I can’t just not apologize. I’m so sorry. But you’re going to get better. We’ll go back to Earth and we’re going to get you help.”

_ ‘He doesn’t even know what he did wrong.’ _

“You’re going to get better.”

_ ‘I need help.’ _

——————————————————————

Coran murmured to himself, “He must have really want to…”

“I know it’s looking really bad for Lance, for all of us really, but we need to focus on what we should be doing for Lance.” Shiro said. Keith looked at him with exasperation, “We hug him so hard we squeeze his brains out.”

“No, Keith.” Coran explained, “Lance is clearly mentally unstable. Hugging him won’t solve the problem.”

“I know but I don’t get it. Shiro, you’ve been through more shit and you’re fine.”

Shiro glared at Keith, “People’s minds work differently, Keith. Fighting in a space war could’ve scarred him a lot more than we thought.”

“Besides, we don’t know everything about Lance. He could’ve had this problem before, there could’ve been other factors.” Coran said. Although Keith wanted to say more, he bit his lip, “Yeah, okay.”

“But would he even trust us?” Shiro asked.    
“We’re his friends, right?” Keith said. Coran shook his head, “It will take a while to get him to communicate with us again.”

_ He needed help. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The series the almost done and the finale is coming up! There won’t be an official date, but you can bet your asses that I’ll be getting the finale done in less than a month. Anyway, hoped you demons enjoyed and ✌️!


End file.
